Everyone wants attention. It’s one of the most basic human needs. But at some point, “being seen” became “being liked.” Then “being liked” became “being approved.” All of a sudden, the value of who we are, rests on someone else’s face, response, or lack there of.

I’ve also been in places where I was trying hard to be liked. I believed people could even be cheering while discussing the same conversations where I wasn’t present: basically playing an iteration of me. And when there was no support? It broke me. I would take it personally, nearly as if it was proof I was broken or not enough.

READ THIS-https://jnanasya.com/unmasking-my-true-self-a-journey-from-survival-to-purity/

The Psychology Behind the Need for Approval

Psychologically speaking, this is normal. Humans are wired for belonging. According to attachment theory, our early relationships model how we pursue safety and validation as adults. If love was conditional growing up, we may grow into adults who subconsciously believe our worth is also conditional — on achievements, appearance, or people-pleasing.

This occurrence is often labeled as “external validation dependency.” It occurs when your self-worth is overly reliant on how people view you. When you’re messing around to live in someone else’s womb, you’re not only removing your authentic selves — you’re building an identity dependent on meeting someone else’s expectations. 

In a culture where social media garners the same concerns as a romantic relationship, it may feel even more difficult to hold onto who we really are. It can take one comment to send us into a spiral of self doubt, or one “like” to fill that hole we all may feel from time to time, even if it’s just momentarily and fleeting.  And it’s tiring.

The Cost of Constant Performance

When we live for approval, we abandon our authenticity and destroy our peace. The anxiety of, “am I enough” becomes a part of our daily routine. Each conversation becomes performance art and each decision is a possible reason for rejection.

There have been instances when I no longer knew what I wanted. I was so accustomed to molding myself for people and my own desires began to feel alien. 

That disconnection is not just melancholic, it can be harmful. It can lead to burnout and resentment.I realized that people-pleasing is not kindness but rather a survival strategy. It is born out of fear that we will not be loved if we do not meet someone’s expectations. But true love from others and from ourselves does not work that way.

The Turning Point: Choosing Self-Validation

I recently went through a moment of harsh self-criticism. After another round of rejection I viewed as a bit too personal, I took some time to reflect. Why did I care so much? Why did it even resonate so deeply in my heart and mind? Little by little, I finally came to realize: I had never really defined myself, nor had I created the opportunity for it to become an intrinsic part of me.I was letting others define me.

So, I began a small, private rebellion. I decided to observe myself — not judge, just notice. When was I acting to please? When was I changing my voice, words, and smile to be more palatable?

The patterns were everywhere. But so were the opportunities to change.

I started practicing internal validation. Telling myself, “You’re doing okay.” Letting myself fail without making it mean I was a failure. I began writing down the things I genuinely like about myself — not what others praised, but what I quietly knew.

How We Begin to Heal

Healing from approval addiction isn’t about becoming indifferent or closed off. It’s about grounding your worth internally so that other people’s opinions become data, not definition.

Here are the  psychological tools that helped me:

1. Inner Child Work: I started speaking kindly to the younger version of me that craved approval. I reminded them they were safe now.
   
2. Mindfulness & Detachment: I practiced watching my thoughts without attaching to them. Just because a thought says I’m not good enough doesn’t mean it’s true.
   
3. Radical Self-Compassion: I started giving myself the grace I usually reserved for others. Especially when I messed up.
   

You Are Your Own Home

We often search the world for belonging, not realizing that home is the relationship we build with ourselves. And the good news? That home can be rebuilt.

I still struggle. There are days when I slip when one look or comment unravels my progress. But I return. To the breath. To the journal. To the quiet voice inside that says, “You’re okay. You’re enough.”

And slowly, something is shifting. I feel less like an empty vessel waiting to be filled and more like a steady flame. Not for everyone to admire — just enough to keep me warm.

https://youtu.be/v-kD-VG4jPk?si=pv8DYut6qRWfMAYT

If you’re someone who struggles with approval, I want you to know this:

You are not broken! You’re just tired. Tired of pretending. Tired of shrinking. I’m tired of not knowing where you end and others begin. But the fact that you see it? That you want something different? That is the beginning of the healing of an inner world.

You don’t need everyone’s applause—just your presence.

And maybe that could be enough.

With love,

Paras